We of Me

The song starts with the line: "My squeezed heart divides into two wide wings," which implies that something was pressuring her to choose between two sides, but somehow she was able to choose both. Perhaps the wings take her back and forth between the two sides.

"The world is a sudden place if you don't belong to anything," she says next. What is meant by "sudden" is not clear-- does the world appear suddenly, when there was nothing before? Is it constantly startling with no one there for support or structure? Perhaps the word is "sullen," which would make more sense; a world in which one did not feel connected would be sullen, indeed.

"This must be the irony of fate/ I and the world are always separate," she continues. "All other people have a 'we' to claim/ Except for me, in my own name." If she is feeling disconnected, that is sad, and perhaps it is her fate to be alone. But in what sense is that an "irony"? She just said she belongs not to no world, but to two! That's more belonging, not less.

Now, this is from Vega's album about Carson McClullers (a woman), who was married and divorced, and then lived with another man for a short while without marrying him. I don't see anything about her having children, and the two men never met as far as I can see.

This also doesn't seem to be about Vega herself. She is divorced from her first husband, with whom she had a child she is still close to. And she is remarried now. So this "squeezed heart" idea could stem from that, but then why say there is no "we" for her to be part of in her own name-- what about her own child? Well, the kid does have her father's last name...

I'm going to say this is about Vega herself, as McCullers' story lines up even less, even if Vega-as-McCullers features heavily in the video. McCullers seems too haughty, world-weary, and jaded to have come up with such a tender idea, anyway. True, the part about being "separate" from the world does seem to apply.

The song continues: "I belong to be with the two of you/ And we make three/ As a family/ That is why you're the 'we' of me." Is she trying to get her daughter to be part of her new family with her second husband? We do not know when she wrote the song, but she re-married in 2006 and released the son in 2016. If the kid and her step-father are not close after 10 years... Or maybe they were, but then something caused a rift and she is trying to sew it back up.

The Biblical story of Noah is invoked: "Noah may have got it wrong... Noah's ark admitted only two by two/ We know this isn't always true... because there's one more that could belong."

According to the Bible, the animals that boarded the ark in pairs were the "unclean" ones,  and the "clean" ones came in in herds of seven. But most likely that detail is not what she means to refer to.

Rather, she rebuts the idea that families are made of pairs by saying there can be a family of three-- a pair of parents and a child.

So, what does the expression "the we of me" mean? It probably means "my 'we,' that is, the people I mean when I use the word 'we.'" Namely: herself, her current husband and her daughter. By extension, her current husband's 'we' includes himself, her, and the child.

On a psychological level, "You are the 'we' of me" means "You two are the group I most intensely feel myself a part of."

Wings can be for flight, away from danger. But wings can also be spread over a family for warmth, closeness, and protection.


Next Song: Annemarie

Jacob and the Angel

This song is based on the Bible story of Jacob wrestling with angel.

The account in the song is not as detailed as the one in Genesis, but the general storyline is kept. One detail that is changed is that in the Bible, the fight takes place by a riverbank, not in a "room." Also, at first, Jacob does not know he is being accosted by an angel.

As in the Biblical account, the angel "smote him on the thigh" and then the two "wrestled... till morning" without speaking. At dawn, the angel "turned to fly and to flee," but Jacob held on until the angel (whom he had now identified as such) blessed him. At this point, the angel did so, although in the song the angel "smote" him again first.

Jacob learns "his other name," Israel, from the angel in this version. In the Bible, the angel (on behalf of God, presumably) gives him the name Israel: "he who strives with God."

Incidentally, this idea is probably unique to the Jews. "Islam" has a connotation of "submission" to God, as do the Christian Shaker and Quaker sects. The very observant Jews who call themselves "Haredi" do so, likewise, because they "tremble" before God (the words "Jew" and "Judaism" come from the tribe "Judah").

In any case, why is the speaker talking about this Bible story at all?

Oh, it's a metaphor for a problem in a relationship: "This thing between us must be wrestled down."
It's nice to see that she feels that the issue is to blame, not one or the other of the couple.

However, she admits that the problem is a tough one. Maybe it's an "angel" it has "wings" and "feathers." But maybe it's a "demon," as it has "teeth" and "horns." But, angel or demon, it's got "sinews" that are not going to be overcome easily.

Still, it has been identified as being discreet unto itself, and not an aspect or fault of either of them. So a least part of the battle-- knowing the enemy-- has been achieved. This bodes well.

If they are going to the Bible for a metaphor for it, perhaps they would be served by going to a religious counselor of some sort, rather than a secular marriage counselor. In any case, they have met the enemy, and he is not them-- it's a "thing," and it can be overcome.

Next Song: Silver Bridge

Penitent

This is the first song on Vega's 2001 album Songs in Red and Gray. 

The title is not in the song, but the word "penitent" is a religious one, and it means "one who repents." (It is related to the word "penitentiary," which gives a clue as to that institution's initial purpose.)

The song starts the album off in an opposite stature than 99.9F; "Rock in This Pocket" brimmed with bravado.

Here, we find the speaker saying she was formerly "proud" and "above the crowd," but now is "low," even "on the ground." From this perspective, she is so lost she cannot even tell what her options are, "what avenues belong" to her.

We can't know this from the audio recording, but the liner notes make it clear that these lines are being addressed to God: "Now, what would You have me do? ...I wait to hear."

It seems the sin she is repenting is one of arrogance; she tried, she tells God, "to stare You down."

(It should be noted that there are major discrepancies between the liner notes and the official lyrics as posted on Vega's website. The liner notes seem to favor the (precious) lowercase, starting most lines this way, so all their capitalization is suspect. Meanwhile, the lyrics on the website have at least one major, obvious enjambment error that also calls their credibility into question.

This is no mere grammatical whine on my part-- there is a world (or more) of difference between "You" and "you"-- the very difference between God and human. And this is the very word whose capitalization is inconsistent, both within each version and between them. Well, also "Your" and "your."

If "You" means "God," which it must, what shall we make of the instances of "you"? It would be one thing if the switch happened midway through the lyrics-- first she addresses God, then a person. And she does seem to drop the You altogether midway in the liner version, but even there we have "Now what would You have me do/ I ask you please?" early on. This is clearly one consistent question addressed to one party, but first with a capital and then without.

Adding to the confusion, the liner notes drop the capitalized version altogether at this point... while the website version continues them. But... does it to so to mean this is still God being addressed? Or is it just that the word falls at the start of a line, and the website prefers the formal, correct style of starting each line with a capital?

I am going to say the entire song is addressed to God and the lowercase "you" and "your" instances are all lazy typos. The rest of the song only makes sense if she is speaking to, and of, God, as we shall see.

Yes, this is Vega's divorce album, and maybe some of this is supposed to also be to her ex. But the metaphors don't work. And what's she implying, if that's the case-- that he's a god? That he thinks of himself as one? Well, then at which points does she mean her ex, and which God? It would be impossible to untangle, even if the capitals were consistent, because lines start with capitals as well as references to God.)

The speaker says she is not the first to try to "stare [God] down." One is "the mother," probably Mary, who does try to sway Jesus' actions at various points. Also, "the matador," which is a very odd reference; the only thing I can imagine is that this is means Aaron and the incident of the Golden Calf, the closest thing the Bible comes to a man-and-bull scenario. And "the mystic," which could be any number of prophets to argued (or even wrestled) with God: Abraham, Jacob, Moses, Jonah...  

God's response to her challenge is to "appear without a face/ Disappear but leave [His] trace." Which is his "unseen frown." She simply "feels" God's disapproving disappointment.

Well, staring God down didn't work. So she has to apologize. But how? She is powerless, even powerless to think of her options. So she asks God how He'd like to be apologized to:  "Now what would You have me do, I ask You please?"

She says she waits for His "voice... word... sign." But admits, even then, "Would I obey?"

Well, God is not coming to her, so she starts to "look for" Him, on the "moor/ the desert and the ocean floor." Before she was only "down to the ground," now she's miles underwater-- and muses, "How low does one heart go?" How much must she lower herself before she is forgiven? (Would she look for her ex in all these places? Or is nature where one seeks God?)

"Looking for your fingerprints/ I find them in coincidence" (again, something you would say of God, not a person, who has no command over Fate). Many people feel that such cases can only be explained through Divine intervention or Providence. She seems to be forcing herself to this state though. She has to "make [her] faith to grow." It's not happening naturally, you see.

Finally, she seems to simply try asking for a pardon, sort of: "Forgive me all my blindnesses/ My weakness and unkindnesses/ As yet unbending still." First, she admits that her "unbending" nature is not a show of strength but of "weakness."

But then she wants to be forgiven... without having to change what she's doing wrong! She is "still" the same stubborn person, but wants God to just accept it and forgive her for it. "Look, I will not submit, and you'll just have to get used to it. Sorry." Strange "apology," that!

This next phrase could be taken two ways. The lines are "Struggling so hard to see/ My fist against eternity." Is she struggling to see something with her eyes, against the infinite void of eternity?

Or is this the "see" of the interviewer's question: "Where do you see yourself in five years?" Perhaps she wants to "see"-- in other words, "to see to it that"-- her fist is set against eternity.

And what is this eternity she sets her fist against? God? Death? The Universe? All of the above? Or even all of the Above?

The song ends with a question: "Will You break my will... could I obey?" This is a core religious question-- does belief mean submission? Does accepting God mean accepting God's control?

She doesn't want to fight God anymore. But how can she continue to be a strong, independent person with free will... and also "obey"?

If the one being addressed here is her ex-husband, she did leave him. And if the one being addressed is God, well, Vega left her Christian background for Buddhism. She might also have opted for the Jewish faith [not that I know how religious he was] of her once-husband, Mitchell Froom; the very word "Israel" means "One who struggles with God."

And then there was Galileo, who was forced to renounce his scientific discoveries by the Church; he is quoted as having said (albeit in Italian), "I refuse to believe that God gave me a brain and then told me not to use it."

She tries to be penitent. But she cannot. She was not built to bow.

And Whose fault is that?

Next Song: Widow's Walk

Rock in This Pocket

The song is subtitled "Song of David," which re-enforces the clear reference in the lyrics to the story of David and Goliath. But it also implies the song is a psalm, as many of the original Psalms are titles "Mizmor L'David," or "A Song of David." Many of the Psalms are about strife and a desire to vanquish one's enemies.

Vega begins her radically different sonic approach with a new production staff-- notably Los Lobos' guitarist David Hidalgo and the production team of Tchad Blake and (her later husband, and still later ex-husband) Mitchell Froom. The freewheeling nature of the album is alluded to by the liner notes and photos, designed to look like an old-fashioned traveling circus and its playbill.

The album starts with this song's clanging, swooping introductory sound, and the sarcastic "ahem" of its opening line: "Excuse me, if I may/ Turn your attention my way." This is both David, cockily threatening the giant Goliath... and Vega, re-announcing her presence on the cultural stage.

"I won't plead," she says, for the listener's attention. But she also insists that she have it: "It's what I need... If it's the last thing I do/ I'll make you see."

The David vs. Goliath story, of course, is the ultimate underdog narrative, the small defeating the much larger. Even the weapon itself-- a rock-- is small.

But before even discussing that, the speaker admits that the attention she seeks "isn't much" itself. However, the importance of the attention is larger than its size: "What's so small to you/ Is so large to me." Whatever it is that she has to say (probably everything that follows on the album) is important for her to say... and so you will listen, even if you don't think you care.

Yes, it's true that her opponent can cast a huge shadow-- "You darken my sun"-- but he should know that she must not be underestimated: "The rock in this pocket/ Could cause your fall."

The speaker's willingness to attack is so great, she is even willing to endanger her own life to do it: "I might be out like a light, extinguished in the throw."

But she feels it is worth it, because she will "hit [her] mark," since she is "well acquainted" with her target, "the span of [Goliath's] brow."

And in hitting her mark, she will make her mark in history. Her Goliath will "know." Yes, "If you didn't know me then, you'll know me now."

This seems to be Vega speaking. Her voice has been criticized as thin and wispy, "small," if you will. Her sound to date has been acoustic, ethereal, and sparse, also "small," compared to the sound of a blaring rock band or a dense dance track.

But she dismisses those concerns. Inspired by the DJs who have been reworking her "Tom's Diner" vocals, she creates a new, industrialized, citified sound for her fourth album. Even if her voice is still thin, her music demands to be noticed.

Mostly, I think, it is another "secret weapon" she is unleashing: Her ideas. The "rock in this pocket" could be an oblique reference to rock 'n' roll ("You see me as a folksy singer-songwriter, but guess what, I'm a rock star"). But more likely it is simply an unseen entity-- a thought-- that demands attention, smashes the competition, and slays the critics.

This is Vega's version of trash talk. In a way (an intellectual, literate way), it is as blustery as any rap boast. The remainder of her career, and the sphere of her influence, have borne out her boast. She'll "make you see" her, indeed.

Next Song: Blood Makes Noise